Forgot something.....

This is the look I get when the whiskey is gone, too. Poor dog. I forgot to mention, Justin and I got a pretty decent digital camera for Christmas, so now, many more ORIGINAL pics. Not just ones I borrow. The dog isn't mine, it's one of our good friends. And yes, she was upset the whiskey was gone.

For one of our dog looking like Sherlock Holmes, or just totally gay, look below. He loves his jacket/cape, and gets an attitude when it is on. Anyway, Happy New Year all.

"Ending the Pressure" Post

So, um, yeah, I haven't posted in a week, and yes, I usually feel guilty, but it feels as though all of blogger land has been a little slow, with people being busy and such. Also, I haven't wanted to post, as I was trying to come up with something insanely profound to end the year with. So the past week I have pressured myself, jotted down notes, researched, all for you lovely people, to provide you with such a witty, wonderful post, that you would leave my blog crying, laughing, and calling/emailing all of your family and friends the link to my blog.

That brings us to today. Less than 6 hours, and I have nothing. BUt I did realize something. Blogger lets you edit stuff. So if I come up with something profound later, I could always post it like it was here on New Year's Eve. Some of you would know, others wouldn't. Also, maybe I should keep posting little bits and pieces of good posts, so that you keep coming back, right?

In any case, nothing horribly funny today, nothing profound, other than have a safe night, and make the next year better than the last. Even if it's just by a little bit.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a great holiday. We will be going here and there, so I don't think I will be posting much until Monday. And this week has been crazy, so I have been bad at posting, but there will be a lot to catch up on next week. Take care everyone.

Merry Christmas!

MisInformation

Okay, I don't believe this, and I will be trying to confirm tomorrow, but apparently I was asked to leave a bar tonight. Yes, me. Some ass, in the middle of a conversation, asked if I was poor. He got distracted, and I left to get another drink, and the waiter and two other people told me this ass was apparently serious, and thought he was better than everyone else. So, I eventually ended up back with this ass, and when Justin walked off, he turned to me, and said, "he's not cute enough to put up with if he is poor."

I had it at this point, thanks to his attitude, and numerous bourbon shots, so I asked him if he was poor, and he acted all offended. I acted apologetic, and said, "I'm sorry, the wealthy people I socialize with have more class than that, to ask if someone is poor. I didn't realize you were one of those type of rich people."

Apparently, this wasn't this right thing to say, which was my point. He said some crappy stuff about me, and Justin, and when I was talking to some friends, I saw him putting his ashes on the floor, instead of one of the many ashtrays around. As I walked back to get Justin to leave, I picked up an extra ashtray and set it in front of him, and politely (heh heh) said, "here you go, now you can put your ashes in an ashtray, instead of the floor, like a poor person would."

I thought it was pretty funny, and witty, but my attitude caused some people to ask Justin to have me leave. I am asking you, dear, dear, readers, would you ever think I would be intentionally rude? No, I didn't think so, and shame on you, the two people who said yes. I know who you are. I am a nice person, dammit.

Anyway, I willl try to get back to regularly scheduled nice blogging tomorrow, but after a 14 hour catering job helping Justin yesterday, I am too tired to type anything nice. Maybe I need a wealthier computer.....

Poohback Mountain

In an astonishing move, the Winnie the Pooh franchise sold the rights to Pixar Studios to produce an animated version of Brokeback Mountain, the gay cowboy movie. Winnie and Christopher Robin will be playing the cowboys (or cowbear?) who fall in love. Rumor has it the nudity will be kept to a minimum, to attract a PG13 rating, but will have Winnie and Christopher french kiss and be shown waking up together covered in honey. (And Pooh doesn't wear pants anyway.)

Seriously though, did you hear about them remaking Winnie the Pooh, but replacing Christopher Robin with a girl? I guess that's nice for all the little girls out there who felt Winnie wasn't female friendly, but geez, they are basically just replacing Christopher with the girl, but keeping the same plots. Lame.

Poohback Mountain would be way more interesting.

Don't you want me, baby?

Wow. If you haven't seen this picture yet, try to guess who this is. No clue? Me either at first. It's Jody Watley. The one from the 80's? The singer? The one who used to look nice, and apparently gave herself an early Christmas present and got some cosmetic surgery, just in time for her new CD titled "The Makeover."

Seriously. The Makeover. What a great Christmas message. I hope I get a stocking full of botox and a gift certificate for my own makeover. Please Santa?

Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

You have heard previously how overboard the last company I worked for was with being politically correct, not offending anyone, etc. The past four years I sent out the email below as my "Holiday Greeting." It was meant as a parody of all of the different complaints about the "Holiday Season", but it was amazing how many people would write me back and ask if they could use the email. This is not mine, I don't know where I found it, so feel free to use it.... (And I am so glad the new place I am working is not this politically correct.)

A totally PC holiday greeting.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . .
AND a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling, and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere),and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
DISCLAIMER:By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of
this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

--------
Yes, I really sent this out. Sad. Merry Christmas everyone. I said it. If you don't celebrate it, fine, I'm not forcing you. If you celebrate something else, cool, go for it, but it doesn't mean I have to wish a happy "whatever the hell you are doing."

Okay, maybe sometimes there are....

One of the plethora of functions I will be performing in my new job is to answer questions from the website. First, let me explain, I am in HR, as you all know, and this time I am specializing in Staffing and Recruitment. So on this website, which most of you probably have seen, is to answer "job related" questions, from the "job related" section of the website, which isn't easy to find, unless you happen to be looking for a job.

However, some people skip the main web, the main contact emails, and ask a question in the job related section. I thought I would share some from this week. Remember, this email is to answer "job related" questions, and is clearly marked..... My answers I wish I could have shared are in italics.

"I have an interview on Thursday, what should I wear?"
If you have to ask, wear some daisy suke cut offs and a tube top. It will impress/distract the interviewer.

"My daughter worked for two days and hasn't gotten paid. Where is her check?"
Your daughter's check is located with her work ethic. They both seem to be lost currently, but may turn up when she matures.

"My universal remote is NOT universal. Please reply or I will contact a lawyer."
Or, you could return it to the store. The gas will cost you less than a lawyer. And the lawyer will want a large portion of your replacement remote, so....

"How do I fill out an application?"
If you missed the links on "how to fill out an application, or have never done so, please don't bother.

"I saw your online application, and the statement you only take online applications. I don't have internet access, please email me a paper application."
Please let me know how you email without internet acesss, and I will teleport an application right over.

"I am curently a stor worcker, and want to worck on your websit, pleese send me informacion on this job."
Yes, we are currently working on a website for ignorant people who can't spell. Please send your resume asap.

"Please forward this to your president. I am very mad."
Thank you, the president responded and said to walk it off.

Ok, so they wouldn't let me respond like this, but these are actual questions, and these aren't even good ones, according to my new co-workers, so more to come.

Hopping mad.

Sunday night, as I am mentally preparing myself for the new job, a winter weather warning came on tv. Depending on the station you watched, we were going to get anywhere from 1 inch to 12 inches, all by Monday morning. I had no number to call to see if I was going to be rescheduled, so I just went in, hoping for the best and that the snow wasn't some kind of an omen.

The place was open, all went well, and today, even though it was icey, I got to go in late (due to the boss' schedule, not the snow and ice), and all went well today.

So, sometimes snow isn't all that bad.

Thanks to all who voted for me, as you may remember, I often go overboard (my obsession with my blogshare owner, Gary for example) and sometimes people can't tell when I am being sincere or just satirical. Whether I "win" or not, the real award is that I enjoy blogging, and I enjoy the fact I have met all of you. So I won either way.

A brief note about the picture, how do sick kangaroos get better? They have a hoperation! Now, let's see that crap get nominated next month. heh heh.....

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!

Before reading further, take a look at the picture. Seriously. This is one of the oldest pictures my family owns, and has been incredibly preserved and restored throughout two or three generations. The (short) story behind it was just revealed to me this week. You see, the woman having her hand read was my great great grandmother Petunia. The fortune teller told her many things that evening. This was before radio and television, and apparently Great great Grandpa Larry (pictured left) had lost the family's set of cards. One of the things the fortune teller told Petunia was her great great grandson would be a successful lumberjack.

Yes, me. Heh, a lumberjack. I get a blister from vacuuming. Okay, so that's what everyone thought she had said. And she had been right about numerous things, she predicted family events months and years in advance, and she told of world events that have become reality. She was wrong about Miss Cleo becoming a modern day prophet and bringing the world peace, but hey, Cleo's not dead yet, so the fortune teller had a pretty good record going. Until me. I never became a lumberjack. I never even had a great treehouse. This does explain why my parents bought me so much flannel, and why I was the only kid I knew who owned his own axe when he was seven.

Like I said before, everyone assumed she meant a lumberjack, or logger, because the fortune teller said something else. Something that sounded like logger. This week I found out she said I was going to be a successful blogger. Yes, blogger. Back then, the only thing close to blogger, was logger, as they were called in that area of the country. She may not have even known what it was, but she knew.

So, I am going to become a successful blogger. And Petunia was so happy when the fortune teller told her this. I have to live up to great great grandma Petunia's expectations. Voting for me (as I think I forgot to mention earlier) for an award would help me do this.

Help a guy live up to his deceased ancestor's memory, and gain some self esteem, and fulfill the family legacy. A vote for me is a vote for Petunia.

After 2 weeks in the hospital.....

Did I catch you off guard? Or did I ever even mention I had been working in a hospital? Probably not, but I was. I was recruiting in a hospital, I really liked it, but this coming up Monday, I am moving on. To a big corporation, still Human Resources and mainly recruiting, and more money. Money wasn't the only reason (really), it is a better opportunity, where the hospital may or may not be a good opportunity down the road a little bit.

So, now that I am out of the hospital, voting has officially begun today. (Read the previous post for the whole voting and awards thing, please, I really need this people!)

Today through December 5, the polls are open. Click here to visit The Order of Brilliant Bloggers and vote.

The vote is for my Let it snow, let it snow, let it... oh screw it. post.

If you want to know why you should vote for me, once again please read the previous post, but remember,

If I win.... I will not post scary mannequin pictures anymore and I will remove the N'Sync picture below. That should be enough for anyone, but just in case, remember, all the cooool kids are voting for me.

And for those of you who have been reading a while now, the picture is not of me while I was playing nurse a while back. Come on, you know I look sexier than that in a nurse uniform. I thought I would post a sexy pic for my male readers. It should get Jam's cowbell ringing.

Give me awards and validate me!

In my off-line life, I often act as if I don't need any special attention. Online, I am totally different in this regard. I love comments, positive or negative, or just people saying hello. And now I find out we have blogging awards? I would have been working so much harder at the whole blogging thing if I had known this earlier. I would have spell checked, grammar checked, had neighbors proof read my posts prior to posting, color coordinated, and posted on a regular schedule on exact time of every day.

However, no one told me this. So I posted.... well, you've seen it. There's a reason I call it verbal vomit. It spews out, whenever it wants, sometimes not at all, and it is rarely pretty. Funny at times, insightful a few times maybe, but it all boils down to being the vomit in my head.

So, back to me and the awards thing.

I present you with the list of reasons you should vote for me:
1. No one has ever voted for me for anything. (Except for being "least likely to be voted for anything" in my high school yearbook, kids can be so cruel.)
2. Justin (and a few others) feel I spend too much time blogging. But if I was an Award Winning Blogger they would have to shut the hell up, right? Darn right they would. Imagine the following:
Justin: Bobby, you need to get off the computer and take the trash out.
Me: Can't right now, I'm blogging.
Justin: The trash needs to go out, and you've been sitting there for hours.
Me: Hey! You can't just sit down and blog for ten minutes once you've become an award winning blogger. I've got responsibilities, I can't just type out crap now that I'm an award winning blogger. I mean, come on, do award winning bloggers even have to take out the trash?
Justin: This is getting ridiculous, I.....
Me: Once you've become an award winning blogger, you'll understand, and maybe then we'll split the trash responsibilities.
Doesn't that sound great? I think so.
3. Most of you probably have no idea what to get me for Christmas, despite my hints of bourbon and cigarettes. For those that haven't emailed me for my snail mail address to send the bourbon to, a vote for me would be a nice gift, thoughtful and cheap, but oh so meaningful to me. I will print all my nominations, and sleep with them in a small scrapbook next to my bed.
4. I never win anything. Not even a coin toss, so help break my bad luck chain.
5. You don't want that N'Sync picture/fake award on my blog forever. I will remove it when I win a real award, or I will place the scary mannequins back on every post if I don't win. Heh.
Enough groveling for now, I will post details on how to vote for me soon. And news from the off-line world, work is going very well, details coming soon....

Manic Musings

*Overheard, parent on the phone with their child: "If you don't behave, I won't be paying you when I get home!" Times have certainly changed a lot from "If you don't behave, you're going to get a whuppin when I get home." Sad.

*There are some jobs you just shouldn't complain about while doing it. For example, a nurse called for help in front of the patient, and when the second nurse came in, she actually said, "you need help with that? I have more important things to do." Wow, that is some compassion there. And the patient was awake, not in a coma or anything. And the patient had family right there to overhear as well. Family that may have slit the stupid nurse's tires on their way out that evening. I didn't say they did, just that they may have, or could have.

*I wrote my birth father a really long email, detailing recent events in my life, (most of which you know about already, being faithful readers here), and really put some time into the email. Almost a week later, I got the following heartfelt response, "Sorry to hear about all of that. We're all okay here." That was meaningful, I printed a copy of the email, framed it, and hung it proudly in the trophy room. (And there's a future post about why I used the term "birth father", but I don't feel like going into it right now. I am still too excited about his wonderful email reply.)

*Why can I pour the water into the coffee maker without spilling a drop, but I can't pour the coffee into a cup without spilling it?

*Some friends of ours paid someone to carve out gourds, to serve soup in. Nice, huh? Very Martha-ish. They paid sixty bucks a gourd for eight people. We offered to do it for 50 next time they want to have that done. Those same friends had us make some "candy trees" to take home with us, similar to the ones in the picture. Due to a large amount of bourbon, I had fun. I don't think I would ever go to a party and make a candy tree without liquor though. In addition, the push pins used to attach the candy got more fun the drunker everyone got. My fingers hurt a little today.

And finally, *Some posts in a blog are just lamer than others.

Time for Thanks and Stuff(ing)

Warning: While this post may contain some amusing moments, it also contains some sappy moments. Read on at your own risk. First off, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Justin and I are off to his sister's house to fix a turkey to take to his parent's house. His mom was only going to have ham and turkey breasts, which offended Justin to no end, since he is a dark meat fan. To rectify this, and help his mom out, we are now fixing a turkey to take. All so he can have dark meat. So anyway, busy day. Time for my first annual "Things I am thankful for...." list.

Things I am thankful for 2005
*Justin and his family.
*My fellow blogging friends, who have provided a lot of support this fall, and will probably never know how much you all have helped me.
*My new job. (I found out my former company is "spinning off" the sector I worked for. Usually spinning is a good thing, but in this case, a lot of my former friends and co-workers are worried about their jobs now, and it usually means they are selling off, or going under. So I am thankful I have moved on, you can choose the saying you like best, either "blessing in disguise" or "everything happens for a reason", but either way, I am thankful.)
*My brother, and my family, at least the ones I talk to, and talk to me.
*Numerous other serious things, like my good friends, my dog, and more.
*The humorous people in my building and neighborhood, who keep me cheaply entertained. (Like Big Gay Mike, who is actually a little straight guy, who misplaced his wallet for half a day, searched multiple buildings for it, and then found it in his spaghetti strainer in his kitchen cabinet.)
*Coffee, cigarettes, and bourbon. Oh, and pepsi, can't forget that.
*Stupid celebrities, who show us that just because they are famous and wealthy, they are still stupid. Like a lot of other people. I am also thankful for stupid people, but just the amusing ones.
*80's music. (Yes, I said it.)

There's more, but you get the idea, and you have other things to do today. Have a great one!

New Job Info

I got the keys to the office for Monday, which is unusual when dealing with HR stuff, and you've only worked somewhere for three days. They like me, they really like me.

I got to track down a doctor this morning, because he got hired without completely filling out his application. Yes, believe it or not, (I didn't know this) doctors have to fill out applications just like the people at McDonalds. Makes you feel a little better about the god-like way doctors are treated. Back to me though... everyone else didn't want to track him down, as they expected him to be too busy for the application, or an ass, etc. I got him to do it right away, I think while patients were waiting, sorry, by being nice, joking, and insinuating that his paycheck could get "held up". That wasn't true, probably, but it sure worked well. And everyone was impressed at how quickly I got it done, and no one needs to know what I said to him. Heh.

I am sure this will be the beginning of a great job, and a great blogging experience. Thanks to all for the good thoughts and congrats comments, it meant a lot.

image courtesy of Despair.com

My tag avoiding ability gave out today.....

Thanks to LBSeahag, over at Jinx I am tagged. You know my policy on this, play if you would like to, but don't feel obligated.

What were you doing ten years ago?
Living in Texas, single, drinking a lot (some things just don't change)

What were you doing one year ago?
We were living with number two on our list of psycho roommates.

What were you doing yesterday?
Celebrating my new job, and writing a story for FFF

Five snacks you enjoy?

1. Cheese-Its, or Cheese Nips, I always forget which one until I see the box.
2. Brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts, no frosting if available.
3. Chips
4. Three Musketeers, once in a long while.
5. Pizza. (I know technically it's a meal, but I can snack on it too.)

Five songs to which you know all the words

1. Almost everything by Cyndi Lauper (no jokes)
2. We didn't start the fire by Billy Joel (just kidding)
3. Smells like teen spirit by Nirvana (once again, just kidding)
4. Technically, number one covers about 150 songs, so I am quitting here.
5. See #4

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire

1. Buy a house
2. Have part time jobs that I would quit the second someone pissed me off, so I could tell them off and not have to worry
3. Vacation to numerous spots I have never been, especially warm spots.
4. Get Justin the car(s) he really wants.
5. Pick up $5 pizzas at little Caesar's in a limo

Five bad habits

1. I drink
2. I smoke
3. I spend too much time blogging.
4. I'm sometimes too honest
5. I sometimes don't finish things, like when I....

Five things you like doing

1. Drinking
2. Smoking. Yes, I enjoy it dammit.
3. Roadtrips where I just have to be the passenger
4. Writing
5. Hanging with friends

Five things you would never wear again

1. Anything my mom bought me in the 80's, trying to "help" me be cool
2. a dress. (Don't ask.)
3. my heart on my sleeve. (what does that actually mean, anyway?)
4. Neon
5. Flannel

Five favorite toys

1. My new laptop I will be getting
2. My gameboy, with one game. Tetris.
3. DVD
4. Is the internet a toy?
5. I have a number five, but it's private. And yes, it probably has something to do with what you are thinking. No, not that you pervert.

Have a great and relaxing Sunday night.

Flash Fiction and BIG News!

Once again, my Flash Fiction Friday has been posted on a Saturday. *SIGH* Will I ever get deadlines right?

Check it out by clicking here or if you want to stay a little more light hearted, scroll down and read my post about the snow. It's funnier.

And I finally have a job. I start Monday. My field, Human Resources, and it is close to the house. The light at the end of the current tunnel. And you know I am excited, for I have never (and you can check) increased the size of my font for a post until now.

Now back to our regularly scheduled font size. I may not post for a day or two, as a lot of you have some catching up to do. You know who you are. Unless you are reading (and my stat counter isn't catching you) and not commenting. Seriously though, a new job should mean lots of good blogging material, since the job hunt wasn't entertaining at all.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it.. oh screw it.

Bringing this week of complaining to an end, and to celebrate the winter weather arriving, I typed in my written journal from a few years ago, when I first moved to Virginia from Texas. Yes, a drastic difference as you will see.


January 10
It's 5 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one I have seen in years. I took my bottle of bourbon and sat by the picture window. Watching the snowflakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so pristine and beautiful. I love it.

January 11
I awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered by a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

January 12
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now, much of the snow is brownish gray.


January 13
It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for the car. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.


January 14
Still cold as hell. Had another 11 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. My vehicle covered in salt and crud. Bought a sled in order to get to work. Slid into the guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. That damn snowplow came my twice today.

January 15
It's 2 fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on my property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the fucking house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and I lost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

January 16
Mother fucking damn white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch that son of a bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll draw open his chest and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits till I shovel my driveway again! Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof started to cave in.

January 17
Six damn more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking sleet and fucking ice and no telling what other kind of white fucking shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Car won't start. I think I am going snow blind. I can't feel my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit predicted. Wind chill is -22 fucking degrees below zero. I'm moving my ass back to Texas.

----------------
As we all know, I didn't move back to Texas, but my attitude hasn't changed much each winter. The first snow is wonderful, for a day or so, and then it gets old. Fast.

Happy winter everyone. Cold weather means lots of good blogging time.

Anne Rice's Menopausal Breakdown

First off, before anyone accuses me of being anti-Anne Rice, I have read most of the vampire books, a few other of her books, and enjoyed them for the most part. Yes, she gets long winded, but so does Stephen King. That doesn't mean they can't tell a good story when they want to. So, yes, I liked Anne. I really did, even her last vampire related book was a nice book to read while on vacation. And also don't accuse me of any anti-menopausal. So let's move on.....

Now, as I start to rant about her latest endeavor, I admit up front, I have not read it. I am not criticizing her writing style, her use of metaphors, etc. I am criticizing her enlarged ego perhaps, her folly to think no one else has ever thought about doing this type of thing (they have, but had better judgement than you did anne.) Anne's latest book is about Jesus. Not another biblical study, no, but a fictional account with historical stuff thrown in to make her sound like she wrote the fictional parts accurately as well.

She has the ability to do it, and doesn't need the money anymore, so I guess she either has gotten an extrememly inflated ego, which I have heard she does, or she is going insane. I am not a religious fanatic or anything. I just think she could have found another subject, and I don't believe all of her "It was time to do this." or "I've been moved to write this" crap, I think she knew it would generate controversy, and she wanted to do it. Period.

If it sells well, will the sequel be about God? Or the continuing adventures of Jesus' family? Who knows? I don't even think Anne does. She has already had one of the vampires go to Heaven and talk to angels, so I guess her sequel could be about Jesus' adventures in Heaven and what He has been up to since we last heard from him.

*SIGH*

Is this a cigarette which I see before me?

Here's the link to the article if you really want to read it, but I will rant about it enough here so you probably won't have to. During a performance of a play, where the play calls for someone to smoke, an audience member actually shouted for them to put the cigarette out. (Because it's against the law to smoke in a public place.) I barely know where to start...
Who is uncouth enough to actually shout during a performance of a play? If it was a performance artist piece where someone is actually being hurt, sure. But a cigarette, during a play that the smoking is part of the play? No. Give me a break. You give the anti-smokers a little room, and look what happens. Before everyone starts in on me, I am the most polite smoker you will ever meet. I won't smoke in someone's house, even a smoker's house, without asking. I watch where my second hand smoke goes, (usually towards the non-smoker, and I am careful), I won't smoke around kids, etc. It comes to a point, though, where you just need to let me smoke, dammit. Some places are trying to ban smoking in cars (on the grounds it is distracting), and I will certainly concede the point if they outlaw cell phones, eating, radios, DVD players, etc, first. Until then, stay out of my car. And I will smoke in my house, even if they end up making it illegal. There are so many things we should be focusing on other than this, yes, we all know smoking is bad for you, thank you. So are fatty foods, alcohol, fast cars. and hunting while drunk. So let's move on, feel sorry for the smokers if you would like to and if it will make you feel better, but leave them alone. And certainly, never, ever, shout out to an actor to stop smoking during a live performance of a play. Geez.

On a brighter note, Justin's dad got out of the hospital this morning, and seems well on the road to recovery again. Thanks all, for the emails and comments of support.

I knew I was royalty.

Your Band Name is:

The Queen of Pickles

Band Name Generator

Really? The Queen of Pickles? This has so many jokes in it, that I don't even know where to begin. In fact, I think I will leave the jokes in my head, as I am sure most of them will pass through your heads automatically. Please share yours, it is an extremely short quiz. and may cheer me up. Maybe one of you is the King of some other condiment.
And I think I am done with the online quiz thing, at least for a few days.

Good news and bad.....

The bad news first....

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Evil Priest. Where You Lived: China. How You Died: Decapitation.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Do they have evil priest job listings anywhere? And can you claim past life experience? Probably in this field you can, anyway.


And now the good news:

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Yes, a bit off chronologically, but dead on with how I act.

In the meantime....

Sorry everyone, Justin's dad is back in the hospital, so we've been a little busy and things have been hectic.

To entertain you in the meantime, check out this new program that without any additional hardware for your pc, you can smell through the internet. Click here for the incredible link. I am sure we will be hearing more about this in the future.
And no, the picture has nothing to do with the link or my post, you know how I can be.

Bird Watching

I am sure some of you read the title and thought, "wow, I had no idea that Bobby was a bird watcher" or "is Bobby using bird in the form they do in England?" I am not an avid bird watcher, but the other morning, when all was still quiet and serene, a lovely bird was in a nearby tree. (I didn't have a camera or phone, so no pics of the actual bird.) It was chirping in a nice little melody, not annoying at all, and was holding still while spreading one wing out, then the other, and then both at the same time. It was beautiful. It flew and landed a few feet from me, and no, it wasn't a bird that looked like a pigeon or vulture, looking for food. It was a wild bird, that was possibly having a serene moment as well, and maybe, just maybe, it was thinking similar things about me, wanting to check me out. The markings on this bird were beautiful, and I held good and still, so as to not scare it away. It edged ever closer to my foot, making a new sound, and starting a new song. It was peaceful, and made me feel all calm inside. As it finally got close enough, I kicked it and ran over to it and stomped it a few more times. I didn't want it to suffer, but with all of this bird flu stuff going around, you just can't be too careful these days. I am sure Bush would be proud of me, helping America deal with this huge epidimic. If enough of us do our part, we can stop this bird disease before it gets any worse.

no birds were actually harmed in the writing of this blog. PETA people and Bird Watchers, please don't hound me, or I will leave dead birds on your doorstep.

Quit teasing and just google me, baby.

Quiz: Bobby hasn't been posting as much lately because:
a. he finally started working.
b. he ran out of food money and doesn't have the energy to type
c. nothing interesting has happened
d. he's been lazy.

I'll give you a moment to think the answer over....


The answer is, unfortunately, d. I haven't started working yet, but tomorrow I have the best interview yet. I did run out of food money, but still have a little energy left. And tons of interesting stuff has happened, So, yes, I have been lazy. And to keep with the lazy trend, lets look at some of the search stuff that's brought people to my blog.

1. Curly Fro HHmm, I looked and looked, and couldn't figure out why I was listed for this one, except for the post about Justin Guarini from American Idol. Must be that.
2. Bobby Needs.... Apparently, there are other Bobby's out there searching for what they need, like we did a while back in a post. I hope they find what they are looking for....
3. Constant Erection This was due to the post you can find on the right side menu, in tribute to Madman and the disgusting girl he worked with. Did anyone ever hear what happened to him? And no, my site doesn't actually help you with attaining a constant erection, or getting rid of one. (I guess if you read long enough, you could lose your erection, who knows?
4. Fiona Apple This was due to my "I hate Fiona Apple" post, so if any fans come here, I don't like her. Scroll through the archives if you need to know why.
5. Kids say the darndest things...Barbie This was due to my Fat Barbie post, about Justin's sister and her son, who did say the darndest thing. I just didn't know anyone said the word "darndest" anymore.
6. Autobiographies Erik Estrada This one amazes me almost as much as the Justin Guarini fan site. I mean, yes, Erik Estrada did an amazing job on Chips, but I didn't realize anyone would want to read a whole book about him.

So that's about it for now, except for one small installment of Bobby Needs, which I saw when the google search came up for it....
Bobby Also needs....
.....Food. (Yes, I am hungry.)
.....to check his email fast. (I just did, and nothing was there. Teases.)
.....a family with plenty of patience (Yes, that's so true.)
..... to play a little Bump and Jump to easy his soul. (Hell yes. Now, what exactly is "Bump and Jump?" Is it a euphemism?)
.....to shut the f*ck up (Okay, geez. That's a little harsh, and it ain't gonna happen.)
.....to look out for government agents (Uh oh, what the hell?)
.....to be told the teacher is not going to fight with him. (Spinning Girl? You're not going to fight with me?)
This last one is my absolute favorite.

Bobby's needs are pretty basic: He sleeps, eats, cries, poops,and gazes uncomprehendingly at the world around him.
That is so true.

Who is Rainbow Brite?

Our apartment building is called The Clarendon, and is full of interesting people. Even better, it is full of interesting people who don't know about my blog. So yes, that means free reign on talking about them here. I am way too exhausted to start an elaborate post about them right now, but to give you a taste.... One of our good friends from the 3rd floor, Jamie, dressed up as Rainbow Brite last night for the big party. Jamie is the cutest, sweetest girl, and made a wonderful Rainbow Brite. (I will be getting real pictures soon.) Anyway, after much partying and drinking, and numerous 18-22 year olds guessing she was Cher or a Princess, she turned and screamed, "I'm Rainbow Brite, I'm a f*cking childhood icon!"
It was one of the best moments of the party and weekend , and was caught on tape. We got to watch it today, it was great. I hope everyone had a great weekend, and have a great Halloween!

He-Man, weren't the eighties great!

Ok, VH1 is doing another version of the "I love the 80's". Weren't they such an innocent time? I mean, look at He-man and his alter ego, could they have been anymore gay? And yes, they are making another live action he-man movie, this time wisely leaving out Dolph Lundgren. This guy, Jason Lewis is supposedly playing He-Man.
In other He-Man casting news, Skeletor, will be played by Lindsey Lohan as long as she keeps her weight down. They have Callista Flockheart on stand by, just in case.

Click here to see HeMan sing the 4 non blondes song, "Revolution", and bust out some killer dance moves. It starts a little slow, but it's funny.

My Freakin' Power Color

I've been seeing the power color quiz on a lot of blogs lately.

Mine is black. pitch dark black, bottomless pit black, you get the idea.

No fancy post today:
My nicotine level is running dangerously low. (Long story, but I am not quitting.)
My sanity level is edging towards breakdown.
Did I mention I need a cigarette? (no one likes a quitter!)
Some bourbon might help, none of that either though, so my alcohol level is 0.00 (gasp, it's hardly ever 0!)
Everything is freaking irritating me right now.
-Maybe because I need a cigarette.
I've read some blogs, and been entertained, but when I comment, if the word verifier messes up, or I mistype something, I just say "screw it" and move on. So forgive me, until my nicotine level is brought back to acceptable social levels, I am going to shut up.

Somebody better get some smokes here soon. And please don't use this as an opportunity to let me know it would be a good time to quit. It is not a good time to quit. It's not I tell you. We all have a bad habit or three, this is mine for now, and I enjoy it. I'll be back when my nicotine levels are back up....

Entertainment News!

IRVINE, CA?In a mega-deal that is sending shockwaves through the apartment-rental industry, rappers Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer co-signed a one-year, $550-a-month lease Tuesday. The deal, which includes heat, on-street parking and utilities, guarantees the early-'90s superstars a place to live through September 2006. "I am extremely excited about this joint-living venture between myself and MC Hammer," Vanilla Ice said. "I look forward to sharing this two-bedroom apartment with him and am confident we can work together to keep the kitchen and living-room areas clean." The pair is not permitted to have pets. Courtesy of The Onion

And now, courtesy of me.
One of the advantages of being temporarily unemployed is catching television shows you have been missing. One of these little gems is The Brini Maxwell Show.
It is on the Style channel, one of those little "Martha Stewart" type of shows. Justin and I watched a few minutes, giving each other puzzled looks, and then, finally, we determined that Brini looks like....Carolyn from the Apprentice. Yes, they could be sisters. Heh. If Carolyn ever appears on Saturday Night Live again, she should parody Brini Maxwell. And in shocking news, one of these two women, is apparently a man. I'll let you decide.

The Native American from the Village People

First off, the former Village People aren't all doing well. In a small twist of irony, the cop is being pursued by cops. The article refers to the Indian from the group as the "Native American", which is funny as well.

Let's move from irony to the word surreal.

surreal adjective
1 dreamlike, surreal
resembling a dream; "night invested the lake with a dreamlike quality"; "as irrational and surreal as a dream"


So there's the offical definition. I experience the surreal feeling in my life quite often, usually in short spurts. Sometimes it last longer. Which brings up the story of Felipe, the Indian/Native American from the Village People, let's chat a little about what he is up to lately. This is all true, he lives in my hometown now. At the beginning of summer, Justin and I were at at bar we go to once in a while, and ran into Felipe, the Indian. Now, I had heard people say, "Look, there's the Indian from the Village People." but thought they just meant he looked like him, or he had dressed like him for Halloween once or something. I had no idea, until that night, it was the indian from the Village People. So, Justin talks to him, and I speak with someone who appears to be with him, either a date, or a friend, or as I would find out a little later, a husband. So, after we all had been introduced, Justin went to get more drinks, and the Indian's partner went to the bathroom.

The following is an example of why my life feels so surreal sometimes, and while it is not word for word, it is pretty close....
Indian: So, Justin is pretty hot.
Me: Thanks. I get this a lot, so I don't take offense, or get jealous, etc.
Indian: What do you think of my partner? Oops, I guess ettiquette should have made me compliment his partner, who was nice, and relatively cute....
Me: Oh, he's cute, and seems very nice.
Indian: Yes, he's very hot.Not what I said, but drinks have been had, I can be nice, so I nod.
We talk about random things for a few minutes, me waiting desparately for Justin to get back with my bourbon shot.
Indian: So, how would you like to trade some weekend?
I was completely lost....
Me: Trade? Drinks? Yes, my mind was on my drink, so that's all I could think of.
Indian: Partners. He has obviously made this offer before, as he said this very casually.
Me: Uh, we don't really do that.
Indian: You should, it's fun.
For who? For once I said something in my head instead of outloud.
Me: Well, if we ever do, you will be first on my list to call.
Indian: We could all hang out at....
I really expected him to say YMCA at this point, and was very disappointed when he didn't.
...our house sometime. Get in the hot tub, have some drinks, trade off.
Trying to end this with a little humor, and remember I was drinking, I said:
Me: We're really busy right now, we're heading west, joining the Navy, but we'll call you if we get some spare time. Ok, not the funniest thing in the world, and he's probably heard versions of song title jokes all of his life, but I wanted this to be over.
Indian: You're hot, too. Maybe....
I cut it off at this point, and used the whole "I'll be back, I have to go get my drink." excuse and left.

About an hour later, after I had gotten this all out of my head, YMCA came on over the club's speakers. I couldn't get that freaking song out of my head for the whole weekend. Yes, our life is pretty bizarre and surreal sometimes, and this is only one example. But it does keep things interesting. But isn't that whole thing really like some dream you would have?

Parenting Class, Anyone?

My roommate's parents were asked to teach a parenting class at their church. While at dinner the other night with our roommate, they asked for her help.

She asked what kind of help they needed.

Her father replied, "Well, we don't really remember much about raising you or what we did, so we thought you could help us with some stories or something."

Ok, there's a couple of things just plain wrong with this. First, I hope the parenting class doesn't need any real help from her parents, and secondly, why would you tell your kid this? She's 21 and close with her parents, and it would bother me a little if my parents asked me for parenting advice because they didn't remember my childhood. (Of course, my parents had alcohol as an excuse, but her parents don't drink that much.)

Maybe their advice should be to pay more attention to their kids, or to take notes or something, in case they are ever asked about it later in their life.


By the way, if you haven't read this week's Flash Fiction Friday story, please click the previous link and do so. I am not desparate for attention or anything. Really. Thanks to those of you who already read it. I am really not desparate for attention, just read it, okay?

Flash Fiction Friday

For proof that my Friday nights get started way too late, I got to finish my Flash Fiction Friday entry on Friday this time, while starting to have a few drinks, and waiting for the partying to begin.

Click here to read "With money in my pocket."

If you would like more details on FFF, click here to go to JJ's site.

Toy Tales

The original Slime caused numerous problems for parents all over the country. Before the slime with eyeballs, or worms, or even colors, there was plain, original, snot-like, plain old slime. And it stained. I took a "can" of slime to my grandparents, and was encouraged to play a prank on my grandfather. I pretended I was about to sneeze, and he whipped out his nice hankerchief, at which point I pretended to sneeze, but instead deposited a full can of slime into his hankerchief. Very funny, and everyone laughed. After explaining to my grandfather that the snot like substance was a "toy", I tried to gather it back into it's can. I did, but only after leaving a permanent green stain on my grandfather's hankerchief. I found out later that it never came out, they through it away. It was hard to explain this "toy" to my grandfather, which brings us to the next tale of a violent 4 year old Bobby.....
I was playing with an etch a sketch on the floor with my Aunt, with other relatives looking at us, including some older relatives, who had never seen an etch a sketch, and were slightly hard of hearing. After drawing for a long while, with my Aunt looking on, my oldest relative, saw me raise the toy into the air, shake it violently, almost hitting my Aunt in the head. As I did this, shaking the etch a sketch clean, my oldest relative exclaimed what a violent outburst I had just had, out of the blue. My other Aunt patiently explained the concept of an etch a sketch, while I once again drew a picture, calmy and quiety. About when my Aunt had it all explained, and they moved on to other conversation, I once again held the toy above my 4 year old head and shook it clean. "There he goes again! Someone needs to take that away from him! He's almost hitting her!" Once again, my Aunt tried to explain the concept to her, as I began drawing. My Aunt started to get a littled ticked off, as apparently I was a wonderfuul child, calm and pleasant, never causing any problems, and this relative was basically defaming my good character. After a few more tries of explanation, my Aunt gave up and we left. Luckily, this news was kept quiet, and my good reputation was not ruined until much later in my life. I wonder what toys our children or grandchildren will have that we just won't understand? And what toys will our children not understand that we had as children?

Proof that Karma exists.

Do you believe in karma? I have my doubts sometimes, like right now, when I need some good karma. But sometimes I know for a fact it exists, and I am going to share an example. One of Justin's three sisters, "Barbie", likes to remind us once in a while how we are going to hell and we should read our Bible to see that she's right, all gay people are going to hell. (We're calling her Barbie, not as a compliment, but because she's fake. Fake personality, fake breasts (not that there's anything wrong with that), and she tries to dress classy, but it comes out as being trashy. Anyway, she has three children now. She was going to stop at two, but one of the other sisters had their second child, so she had to have another, to make three, so she would have the most. Seriously. The middle child, a son, is 5 years old. (Remember his age.) Two things happened recently, that prove to me that karma exists. Her 5 year old son walked into a treehouse of another child, put his hand on his hip, and said, "This place could use some homey touches." (Yes, I know kids say the darndest things sometimes, but come on.) Then, last week, the children were in the car, Justin goes to say hi, and sees the son watching the television in the car. Justin asks, "What are you watching? Bob the Builder? Dora?" to which the boy replied, "I was trying to watch The Gilmore Girls and enjoy it."
The Gilmore girls? At five years old? His choice? Come on, I think karma is going to give Barbie a gay son. And while slightly enjoying this fact, yes, it is sad, as Justin and I already know we will probably end up giving this boy a place to live if his parents ever find out. But it's still a little funny.

Sorry for my recent mini-vacation, and thanks for the emails of concern. I am back, doing okay, and will be catching up on all of your lives as well.

Dr. Phil is evil.

My mother in law would kill me for saying this, but Dr. Phil is just taking over way too much. Today, at the hospital, a group of children walked by with their mom. Two of the boys in the group were hanging back a bit, so they could have their 8 or 9 year old boy conversation without their mom overhearing. Or so I thought. To my astonishment, one boy looks at the other and says, verbatim, "I believe the problem is indicative of a behavioural issue on their part." and then the other boy said "Or a social issue that stems from...." and I couldn't hear anymore, without following them and looking really creepy. I guess they could have just been child geniuses, or really really smart, but I have the feeling their mom makes them watch Phil and they were just repeating something they heard. It would have made me feel a lot better if they had just been talking about yucky girls and cooties and stuff.

In the Dining Hall with Eden

I haven't shared stories from my apartment building, but that's all changing now. Eden, our 3rd floor neighbor, was asked out on a first date by a nice guy and she said yes. She dressed up, they met, and he took her to....his college dining hall. Wait, it gets better though. First, let me point out that while Eden is going to college, she is also a Coast Guard reservist, she works, etc. and in no way can be considered "a full time college kid." She's a woman. So, on to the better part. Being a better person than I, she stayed for the date, they selected their food, and her date paid with his meal card. His meal card. I'll pause a minute, because if you are anything like me, you are at least mildly chuckling.
I didn't know at first who to feel more sorry for, Eden, who had to put up with this, or the guy, who has hopes of wooing a date by taking her to the dining hall on his meal card. I decided I felt sorrier for Eden. But if that guy, or other guys like him happen across my blog, please don't do this. Ever.

What do we need?

Thanks to Lulu for inspriring this post. (That's where I found it anyway.) And once again, the picture doesn't have much to do with the post, just thought it was funny.

Ok, go to Google. I am not linking google for you, I am lazy today.

Type in "(your name) needs" Remember to use the quotes. And remember to replace (your name) with your actual name. First name only.

Look at the 5 websites that say you need something. (Use different websites)

What are the 5 things you need?

Google thinks I need:

1. Bobby needs not to tell everyone when he plans on having sex...
Fine, fine. There goes my other blog idea....
2. BOBBY NEEDS A LATENIGHT TALK SHOW
This is so true. It would actually solve most of my financial issues, and my first guests would be all of you, with an occasional celebrity thrown in. Maybe it should be primetime though, not that I am letting this go to my head or anything.
3. Songs that Bobby needs to give a rest
Strange, if you've seen this post on my other blog. Otherwise, the songs they suggested that I give a rest I have mostly not even heard of. But I'm still glad they're thinking of me.
4. Bobby needs his weed
Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up. Well, I could, but I'm not. Apparently this site suggests I would be happier and funnier if I smoked weed.
5. Pupkin Sucks and Bobby needs some freakin therapy, or at least thera-flu..
I don't know who or what Pupkin is, but yes, I probably could use some therapy. No big shocker there. But thera flu? Even if I was sick, I can't stand that stuff. And I better not be getting sick.

The original suggests doing the first five things, but as an "extra free" bonus for you, here are a few additional things that google and others think I need.
Bobby needs to get his bleep off the floor and try again I couldn't find out what I was supposed to try again....
Bobby needs to get paids! Hell yeah, badly.
Bobby needs a new job Wow. Maybe this thing is like some sort of fortune teller. I may try this once a week and see what different things I need.
Bobby needs to say to hell with it I am pretty good at this one. But, "to hell with it". There, I feel better.
BOBBY NEEDS TO ADMIT HE HAS A PROBLEM AND GO TO A REHAB Hey, we're starting to get a little personal here, and I know I posted the bourbon post recently, but I'm fine. Really. Hold on a second.... there, I took a shot and feel better, let's move on.
Bobby needs to surround himself with decadence and opulence They didn't explain how, but yes, this sounds excellent.
Bobby needs to start lifting weights I am way too lazy for this one. I will try to start walking more, is that good enough?
Bobby needs a Flaying Really? This person must really be upset with me, or really really likes me in a strange sort of way. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well, that's enough. I now know what I need, and will now be seeing if google can provide answers on how to get all of this stuff.

Flash Fiction Friday/Saturday

I did give fair notice the first week that I may not participate every week, but last week I said I was going to and didn't. I felt bad. To make up for it though, I give you this week's exciting entry.

It is total fiction this time, nothing autobiographical, which, depending on your viewpoint, could be either better or worse.

The rules, entries, etc can be found at JJ's site.

Today in History

I thought I would try "Today in History" as a posting theme, but apparently I picked a lame day. The news that Boy George had drugs in his home is actually making news? I mean, look at that face, would a man with this face do drugs? The one on the right, people. The man on the left is Rosie O'Donnell.

On this date:
2004, Martha Stewart went to "jail". Boosting her career, even if she won't admit it.

1939, Paul Hogan was born. Life purpose: to provide entertainment in the form of crocodile dundee movies. that's it. Really.

1943, Chevy Chase was born. Parents argued for hours over little baby's name, other option: Ford.

1949, Sigourney Weaver born. Starred in Alien movies, and generally looked pretty hot.

1970, Matt Damon born. Contrary to rumors, Ben Affleck was not attached to his hip.... yet.

1895, Queen Min the last empress of Korea, was assassinated. No commentary from me, I just wanted to say I brought something educational to this post.

That's about it. Seriously. So if you are considering doing something soon that would be historically significant, today would be a good day. You would out shine all of those.

My 2nd best friend....

So, the interviews went crappy. Haven't heard from anyone. One possibility that a good job will be available next week, but it's "iffy." The employment commission hasn't sent anything yet either. (Some of you are looking at the logo, yes, this is Bobby. Fritz and I, although for different but both incredibly stupid reasons, are in sort of the same situation lately.) Anyway, so one interview may turn out well, but I have to wait to find out, and it's still not the best job in the world, not in my field, but you know what, it pays money. Money, you read it correctly, and that's what I seem to need right now. Patsy, if you're still sober, please stop reading now....

Know what I need more though? Bourbon. Plain and simple, bourbon. We made some money today, not enough to pay the late rent, or pay any significant bills, and yes, I should put it aside in a little envelope, or one of those things I hate called banks (my extra free bank, that is.) But no, the money is going to pay for at least 2 shots of bourbon.

Why only two you ask? (Ask, darn it.) Well, after two quick shots of straight bourbon, I get outgoing and social enough to get the rest of my shots for free. Yes, free. I talk nice, I flirt, I suggest that someone buy a round to impress the new person they are with (Always while I am at the table of course), etc.

So, I plan on catching you all up on my week, during this weekend, but don't count on it being early in the morning tomorrow.

For those of you who have started Christmas lists, bourbon is always a winner for me.

Random Answers

I got tagged somewhere, and I shook the magic 8 ball for the answers, so here you go. (Actually it said to ask again later for three days, but finally gave me the answers today.)
1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?
I try to look hot even when hanging out on my patio. It makes me feel better, and it makes the people who like looking at me feel better.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?
I have not yet mastered photoshop. I will someday.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?
I love all email, except ones that insinuate my penis needs enlarged. That is the worst marketing email campaign ever.

4. Do you lie in your blog?
No. I alter a few things, if I think it is way too obvious that someone may figure out who I am talking about.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?
I am passive aggressive in all aspects of my life, or so I've been told. But they only tell me once. Once.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?
I hate drama for the sake of drama. If I ever said I was quitting, it would be a real thought running through my head. I can't imagine stopping right now, but someday, who knows?

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?
I am blogging to avoid having to pay for therapy.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?
Nope, and nope. Mean comments would be cool, it may start some controversy. And a faked nice comment would bring me no pleasure.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog?
Who made these questions, anyway? My preacher reads my blog people. (Heh, I said I don't lie earlier, so no, my preacher doesn't read this blog. I don't really have a preacher, I don't have the room.)

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?
Probably some of both, but most people end up liking me. (I keep hearing Stuart Smalley saying, "And gosh darn it, people like me.")

11. Do you have a job?
Professional interviewer at the moment.

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?
At this moment, yes. Yes. It would have to be without too many restrictions, but as I sit here drinking my refreshing pepsi cola, I realize that yes, I could totally sell out and write a blog for money.

13. Which bloggers do you want to meet in real life?
You know who you are. All the linked blogs, and the newer ones I've started reading and commenting on. That would be one awesome party. (Yes, I just used the word awesome, it's been a long day.)

14. Which bloggers have you made out with? (a)In real life? (b)In fantasy?
a)none.... yet. b) heh, I have a separate post for each and every blog fantasy date that I will be posting over time.

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?
Depends on who I am with. I have "trust fund" friends, who I constantly hint about how broke I am, so they pay for the drinks. Other people, I act like money is no problem, but you all know me best.

16. Does your family read your blog?
One family member. Possibly a few others that have never admitted it to me.

17. How old is your blog?
I started this back in 2003. However, it was August of 2005 that it hit puberty and became mildly interesting. I even started deleting some of the old posts, like: "Today sucked. Write more tomorrow." just isn't that interesting.

18. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?
No. And I think that would create more pressure.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
Not yet.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?
Heh, no.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?
Yes, all .23 cents from my google adsense program. Oh wait, I forgot to activate that again. Darn it.

22. Is blogging narcissistic?
No. I only talk about how great i am part of the time.

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time?
Yes. I feel like I need to check in and let people know I am okay. (I'm okay people, at least for today. Check back tomorrow.)

24. Do you like John Mayer?
No. Only because a concert in his hometown made traffic so bad as I was passing through that I was late for a party. Bastard.

25. Do you have enemies?
Yes, I guess. I have some people in my life that are completely psychotic and out to get me, but if they suddenly got help and were cured, I would leave them alone, mostly.

26. Are you lonely?
Not really. This new place we're living at is very social. Sometimes I wish I had a few friends more my age, most of my friends are Justin's age.

27. Why bother?
Why not? Seriously, this blog thing satisfies my writing itch. Until my book is published and sells trillions of copies, like the Harry Potter woman, I am content here. Memo to self, start writing a book soon.

Bonus
28. If they were to make a movie of your life, who would play the mailman? mailperson?
Keanu Reeves. On alternate days, he would have to deliver it in the "Bill and Ted" voice, "Here's your mail, dude!" and on the other days, he would have to dress like Neo and jump onto the porch and say something mystic while handing me the mail.

As I have mentioned before, I refuse to put peer pressure onto any of you and officially tag you, but if you haven't done this one yet....

Come on, all the cool kids are doing it. Try it....

What is more disturbing?

Quick quiz.

Should I be more concerned that I am now listed on the "Justin Guarini" fan news page (yes, he apparently still has fans) or that I am still getting pig porn searches? (both because of recent posts.)

I'm not sure which disturbs me more.

Off to a job interview or two, have a great day everyone.

"Extra" free!

A bank has been advertising "Extra Free Checking." Extra free?

Let's take a look at this for a minute. Free means no charge, no cost, etc.

Extra free would mean.... what exactly? If I told you I will give you a chair for free, you would take the chair and that would be it. If I told you the chair was "extra free", wouldn't that imply that you are getting something more than just the chair for no charge? Like, maybe I will deliver it for you? Or include a prize? Something, oh, I don't know, extra?

Is it just me, or does this bother anyone else? This post is basically free for you to read, if I said it was "extra" free, what would you expect extra? Someone to walk into your computer room and read it to you? I don't know, so I wouldn't advertise this post as "extra free", just free. (Minus the time you wasted reading it, the electricity for the computer, etc.)

Ok, done ranting for now. And by the way, the weird cat has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with this post, just another freaky picture I found.

Half Nekkid Thursday and AOL

In the spirit of half nekkid Thursday, since I don't participate yet (due to a lack of a working digital camera) this picture is my lame contribution. And it's late due to Blogger maintenance as well.

Let's get to a good old rant though, while we're here. I apologize in advance for those of you who use AOL, and like it. I did a "free trial" with them last Spring, for two months. And according to their rules, I terminated my free period before the end of the two months. Almost 6 months later, I got a bill today asking for $160. I called, and the only positive thing I can say is I didn't have to wait, they must have finally hired more people to handle complaints, since they seem to have so many. The lady, let's call her "Stupid Piece of Human excrement" to make it easy, asked how she could help me.

Me: I had two months of a free trial, canceled it, and I now have a $160 bill for service I did not use.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: I have no record of you canceling your trial period.
Obviously, you twit, or I wouldn't be holding this bill.

Me: Apparently, or I wouldn't have been billed. However, I did call and cancel.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: I show no record of this, sir. Do you have your cancellation order number?

Me: No, I don't even think they gave me such a number, and I didn't think it was a difficult task for you to turn off my free trial.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: Without a record or number, you owe $160.

Me: You can see by the account activity that I did not use it past my free trial date, therefore I am not paying it.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: My Supervisor who must have magically appeared nearby and mystically known all details of the conversation said I could reduce it to $90, and if you pay at least $50 of it today, you can avoid going to collections.

Collections? Oh Reallllllyyyyy......

Me: I am not paying anything, unless you can show me I used the account past my free trial, which I did not. Let me talk to your Supervisor.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: He is no longer available, sir. I guess he magically teleported away, as quickly as he had appeared.

Me: Who can I talk to about this then? It's obviously not her, and my patience with her is quickly running out.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: I can give you the Dispute Department as soon as you decide if you are paying $50, the minimum, $90, or the full amount.

Me: I am not paying any amount, I am disputing the entire freaking bill,

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: The address is PO Box something something. And how much did you want to pay today?

Me: Nothing! And you are seriously telling me that a technology based company doesn't have an email address or website for disputes? Only a PO box? I find that hard to believe. I do find that hard to believe.

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: Yes sir, your dispute must be in writing. Which amount will you be disputing in your letter?

Totally exasperated by now. Me: All of it!

Stupid Piece of Human excrement: I'm not sure I understand sir, so what amount exactly are you wanting to pay right now?

Silence. End Call.

Never again. Ever.

Sometimes little things amuse me....

And no, that wasn't a reference to Elijah's height, or a reference to either's, uh, you know... I admit it, I like Lost, the television show. A discussion came up the other night, while discussing Lost, about Elijah and Dominic. Apparently, if you check the link below, or do a google search for them, there is a lot of discussion pertaining to their sexuality. The discussion revolved around celebrities being role models, which I have an issue with to begin with, but in this case, someone was claiming that since it is hard for a young, male celebrity to be gay and successful, they stay in the closet, have pretend girlfriends, etc. It would be nice if someone really famous and young would come out. No, Danny Pintauro from "Who's the Boss" doesn't count. With the multitude of fans that both Elijah and Dom have, they could really cause some major acceptance. This is all assuming they were gay, which they aren't, or might not be, you know what I mean.

Check this cute site out for pictures that the author claims are evidence that Elijah is gay. They're cute, and "work safe", heh heh. I was amazed at how many people have built entire websites about this subject. It makes me feel better to know there are people out there with more spare time on their hands than myself.

Disclaimer I do not know, or presume to guess, either Elijah's or Dom's sexual preferences. I do not mean to offend, and if Elijah or Dom happen upon this post: love your work, send me an email sometime, and there's no need for a restraining order.

I couldn't find a better adjective than "whopping?"

I got tagged with posting the 5th sentence of my 23rd post.

Argh. I didn't think this qualified as a sentence, so the following was there:

But, to make it all better they offered a whopping $50 coupon.

That sounds way more interesting on it's own, than my original post. I don't even know if people were even reading my blog back then, I may not have had comments activated, and the sitemeter was weeks away from being installed.

I was complaining about our flight and lost luggage. but instead I think I will suggest that JJ uses that line in a future Flash Fiction Friday. I think some interesting stories could ensue....

Tag if you want to play, I have already stated that I like to be "it", so why I would tag anyone else to be "it?"
I'm it!

For those of you following my computer problems, I am using the MAC right now, so that G's, H's, and apostrophes can be used. A cup of water, and the only detectable damage is the loss of those three keys. Which turn out to be pretty important when you go to type.

Te letters between f and j

certain keys on D keyboard arent workin, difficult to post dis way.

arrrrrrrr.

rebootin, rebootin, please worc...

Add one part H2O, one part Laptop.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Amongst the numerous things currently going wrong in my life, I spilled water all over my laptop, which is already experiencing technical difficulties.

I turned it off, dried it well, and it came on by itself, displaying some very disturbing images on the display. I turned it back off, and it came back on, by itself, this time with a blank screen.

I turned it off, once again, and later tried turning it on, it didn't seem to be working.

One more time, and it appears to be working, at least we well as before. (Power issues) I might have to go back to my roomie's MAC, which we all know how we feel about that.

Why I usually won't take an online quiz.

You Are A: Frog!

Independent yet still part of a large community, frogs are unique creatures known for their distinctive sound and ability to hop. As a frog, you spend your days sitting on lily pads or climbing trees, searching for delicious insects to eat. While there are some frogs that aren't exactly cute, you are certainly not one of those!

You were almost a: Duck or a Turtle
You are least like a: Pony or a PuppyCute Animal Test!

I was almost a duck, and least like a puppy. And I'm a freaking frog? This is why I don't usually take these online quizzes.

Why I loathe peaches....

I wrote an autobiographical piece for Flash Fiction Friday. (I know I know, autobiography is not fiction, and I don't always play by the rules.) It is not anywhere near the quality of Spinning Girl's story, but it inspired mine.

I put it over here so if you didn't want to commit to a long post, you can just skip on down. It doesn't explain my extreme picky eating, but it does explain my extreme dislike of peaches.

Chaka Kahn's gonna rock ya.

I know, I know, I said I wasn't posting more today, but in the previous Land of the Lost post, a minor discussion ensued about a monkey from the show. Well, like the Bart picture says, I will google before asking dumb questions I can look up myself. (Ok, I won't always do that, but this time I did.)

So anyhow, when a piece of trivia gets stuck in my head, it really bothers me. I thought about it, and finally just googled it. Chaka. Chaka was the monkey guy that was the kid's friend from the land of the lost. For some reason, even though my friends would talk about wanting a "Chaka" like creature as a friend, I only found him to be annoying. A big monster would be coming through the trees, the family would spot it, and then Chaka would say something in his language, "Chaka Kahn. Chaka Kahn. Chaka Kahn gonna rock you." or something like that. And the family would all praise Chaka like he had saved their lives from the monster they had already seen.

I have a lot of Chaka like people in my life. I trip on something, and someone says, "Watch out for that." Or I break something, and someone points out "You have to be careful with those". I am going to just start saying, "Thanks Chaka. Good Chaka." when they say these stupid things. And I am not going to explain why. It will make me feel better to make them wonder.

In future comments, when someone points out the obvious, I will be posting back, "Thank you Chaka. Good Chaka." You'll know what I mean, even if they don't.