I fix some coffee, go to the front porch, light up a cigarette, and start enjoying the morning. Pleasant weather, good coffee, inhale and exhale of a good smoke. Then, the angry joggers start going by. These aren't the joggers who truly enjoy jogging, either for their health, or for rush of endorphins. These are the joggers who truly resent the fact they are jogging. And apparently, they really resent me, for I get angry look after angry look, as I sit on my butt, drinking coffee full of sugar and milk, smoking an unhealthy cigarette, and watching them go by. Up until now, I usually just watch them go by, amused they are so angry. This morning though, I got a little peeved, and moved to the edge of the porch, and starting making sounds when they gave me a look. Sounds like "MMMmmm.... good coffee.", or "Nothing like the first smoke of the morning" as I exhale in their general direction. (I'm too far to actually get the smoke to them, it's mainly for effect.)I am starting a list, and feel free to contribute. I will try all entries at least once, with the exception of entries that are mainly profanity, (I will use profanity, but it needs to be creative profanity), and I won't use ones that are likely to have the joggers come back later in a pack to kick my ass. (Are groups of joggers a "pack?", or a herd, I have no idea.)
I tried a few out this morning.
"New studies show that jogging actually increases your cholesterol levels!" (this comment got a slightly turned head but no verbal reaction.)
"There are people in the world who can't even afford to jog!" (the lady actually laughed briefly before putting her angry face back on.)
Since I hadn't had much coffee yet, I couldn't come up with anymore at the time, but I am now preparing a list. I will only use the comments on the angry joggers, not the nice ones who smile or say good morning, so feel free to give me some comments to use. And if you are a jogger yourself, please do it for the love of jogging, and don't be mad at those of us who exervice our right to not jog.
19 comments:
How about something like, "God, this cigarette is so good! You want one?" Not very clever, but it might take them off-guard, especially since the angry joggers probably wish they were smoking on a porch, or watching TV in a ratty old bathrobe.
Sorry... at least I tried...
Actually, offering cigarettes would probably tick them off, and that is exactly the reaction I am looking for. heh heh.
How about giving a compliment and then immediately crush their self esteem. Like, "Nice form, I would seriously rethink that outfit though." It'll confuse the heck out of him/her.
Keep it simple...
ask, "Who would chase you?"
say..."I guess this replaces the sex with the wife you were never having before I stole her!"
I found a funny one online-
"I have flabby thighs...good thing my stomach covers them."
"That one minute you add onto your life from jogging an hour, my cigarette taketh away..."
this is fun!
I am printing all of these up, to keep on the front porch to use tomorrow morning.
I can't wait.
Jogger heckling -- that's terrific!
1. "Smiling burns more calories than frowning."
2. Jump out and scare one -- say you're promoting X-treme Jogging.
3. For repeat appearances: "Are you stalking me?!"
4. "So many, many people wake up with The Runs. What the heck do you people eat?"
Here's a good one - Have you got a light? (Make sure you have your ciggarrette handy for this one.)
I tried almost all of the suggestions....
Mysterygirl, the offer of the smoke increased the dirty look, with no verbal response. (I was expecting one, really.)
Sherri, I critiqued numerous outfits, it was fun. Especially the guy wearing what looked like leopard print boxers. People get really ticked when their exercise apparrel is critiqued. Yea!
LB, one of yours was long, so I had to shout it as they kept jogging, couldn't see their reaction. But the others, they hated them. Hurray.
Librarian, the smiling comment is one of my faves, and I will be using it next weekend too. It increases the glare, but totally makes my point. And the stalking comment got used twice, as two people jogged by numerous times, heh heh.
Sherri, one person actually said no in a halfway polite voice when I asked for a light, the others just glared more intensely and kept running. But it is another short one, and I will use it again.
Thanks to all, and come back if you think of more.
That was asuch a experience to be a part of...I can just see the faces of these weirdo health nuts that do not feel their day has been completed unless they ran 6 miles...no thank you...
mind exercise is much better...
What I yell at joggers: "GET A CAR!!"
Normally, I'm smoking in my car when I yell this.
"You know you're just going to binge eat when you get home"
"Are you even wearing a bra?" (for women and men)
"Run, Forest, Run!"
Point excitedly and say "that went that way"
I thought of one today while we were out.
Watch your step! (and then point at the ground. They will instinctively look down and break their stride!)
LB, once I get a new digital camera, I think I will post some pics of the joggers faces, heh.
Fritz, yes! I will suggest the joggers get a car, I like that one.
Baby Jewels, believe it or not, Run Forest Run has been yelled at numerous joggers, but usually not in the mornings, that one is usually for the evening joggers once we have had a few drinks. But I like the bra suggestion, and it's true a majority of the time.
Sherri, it will be even more believable since I live there, and would know of dangerous things they should be looking out for. Love it. And maybe one or two may trip.
Friends helping friends, that's what blogging is all about.
Man, I knew I liked you.
How about "Pick up the pace, he's gaining on you!"
or
"You can run, but your SHAME and SELF-LOATHING will ALWAYS FIND YOU!!!!"
"Nice man-titties, dude!"
Other ideas will come. Let them come.
"Aren't joggers known to shit themselves?" (ala marathon runners)
I did this to a stranger at a stop light. It will confuse your joggers. I made the roll down your window sign and said,
"I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"
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