Where was my camera?

Another life lesson, always carry your digital camera. Driving home this morning, we saw a woman in the middle of a big road, with nothing else in sight, holding a sign that said, "Hot Fish! $3"

I will always regret not having my camera for that.

What about Brian?

I have been trying to come up with some new material, and as an occasional reader of "pink is the new blog", I decided to interview celebrities. Unfortunately, living where I do, I don't have much access to any, not even D-Listers. (And we are NOT counting the Indian from the Village People, previously dissed here in an exclusive disturbing story.) Brian Dunkleman was a cohost with Ryan Seacrest on the first season of American Idol, and while he says he left the show to pursue other opportunities in the film industry, I found him at a local burger chain, and he granted me an exclusive interview during his 10 minute break between burger flipping.

Me: So, Brian, what have you been up to?
Brian: Reading scripts, auditioning, you know.....
Me: So, flipping burgers, reading books, and practicing in front of the mirror?
Brian: Pretty much.
Me: Rumors abound about why you left the show. One of which has to do with an affair with someone....
Brian: I did NOT sleep with Ryan Seacrest. I am not gay.
Me: Hey, chill out, no one said YOU were gay.
both of us chuckle lightly.
Me: so Ryan then.....?
Brian: do I even have to answer that?
Me: no, not really. Whats Justin Guarini been up to?
Brian: Would you like to talk to him, I think he is mopping the restrooms right about now.
As I looked to see if Brian was joking with me, he had to return to check on his burgers, I asked a few coworkers, who said Brian was a decent guy, who only occasionally got upset when someone makes fun of his disappearance form idol, and Ryan's success afterwards.

I had planned a follow up to see exactly what Paula takes/drinks/whatever, as I want to have her state of mind, and about Clay's bizarre hair, Brian was offered another job and the Dunkin Donuts across the street and was unavailable to continue our interview.

So, my new foray into E list celebrity interviews didn't start off so well, but I think my new plan is to keep fading stars in the news, like Nancy McKeon (Jo from the Facts of Life) who didn't even star in the reunion specials, like she had something better to do.

Disclaimer: Just because this interview was concerning American Idol, does not mean this blogger endorses it, watches it, or is even remotely aware of any happenings from the show, other than the slightly epileptic guy one, Kelly Clarkson rocks, and Paula Abdul should share her entire "health" regime for this rest of us. I can honestly say I have never once voted, although I wanted to once, while Chris Daughtry was still in the running. (Me and Spinning Girl have something else in common.) I should also mention, that while I did interview Brian Dunkleman, there is a slight chance it wasn't the same one, and he was just pulling my leg. (He wasn't carrying identification at the time of the interview, and calls to verify to his phone have only returned a disconnected phone, leading to some credibility it was actually him.)

This is why I haven't been posting....

You Are 84% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

I feel better now with a real excuse, not just the lame ass shit going on in my life, that tends to take away from my blogging time. I am evil. A very sociable, nice kind of evil. Maybe even passive aggressive evil. Is there a passive aggressive test out there? If anyone knows, please let me know. I am the king of that. Or queen. Whatever.

I was actually told today, as constructive criticism, that I am too nice at work. If those people only knew me outside of work. (Inset evil laugh sound here, no way am I going to try to spell it.)

I was going to post more, but nah, I'll wait. I am evil after all.

Autopsy

Hi folks. I'm the blog doctor. The blog coroner was on his way here, to offically pronounce this blog dead, but he always ignores protocol, so I beat him here to make sure Bobby's Verbal Vomit Blog is actually dead.

So, let's take a look. No posts since March 7, that's a good sign of a dead blog. Even the lamest of bloggers can give some warning of a hiatus, or post something like "I'll be back soon", but nothing here. HHmmm.....

Let me take a look at the patient. HHhmm, a little bit of brain activity. From the blog brain waves, I see Bobby's Verbal Vomit has been listening to Spinning Girl, who recently so eloquently asked "What the hell?". A definate spike in the brain waves after that. Let me see what else is going on in Bobby's brain.

Emergency room visit for Justin. (He's good now.)
Emergency room visito for a neighbor's dog. (She's good now.)
Another surgery for Justin this Wednesday.
Stupid ass people bothering Bobby, filling up that part of the brain that wants to blog.
Warm weather is bringing back the angry joggers.
Another move coming up in June.

I hit the part of Bobby's brain that blogs, and there is still some life there people. I say let's give it a few days, and my prognosis is that Bobby will be back full on.

Signing off now, there's plenty of sick and dying blogs for me to check out. -The Blog Doctor

Some crap to make up for not posting much lately....

Okay okay. I am so sorry about not posting much lately. The tooth pain is slowly going away, as did the tooth. No root canal, and no tooth. Oh well, it wasn't an important tooth, couldn't even see it unless you were a dentist.

They made me permanent the Monday before last. With my salary requirements and my deadline. They tried to play me, I said I would be leaving if they couldn't do it by my terms, and they caved. Awesome. It was my first real salary negotiation, and I won. Hurray for me.

Now, time for another edition of "Stupid Emails." If you don't remember this, see this first entry of stupid emails. Remember, I work in the Staffing Department of HR, and people are trying to get jobs through this email address.

First off, here are some real email addresses people have used to apply for a job.
slacker (A real nice one while applying for a job.)
Ihateauthority
Slutpuppy04 (sorry, slutpuppies 1 through 3 already got the job)
bigdik12 (yes, that will help you get a job, just not this one. and come on, we all know you're not 12.)
Mybosssux
Thief041

Good huh? Now, I will help those of you who don't read my blog. When you save your resume, save it with your name and resume in the document title. Do not save it as something funny, and then send it. The following are resume attachment names we have received:

stupidwork.doc
fakeresume.doc (Trust me, they looked this one over real thoroughly.)
JakeSmith.doc (the applicant's name was Lisa Jones.)
momsmakingmedothis.txt (seriously, this kid had to know what he was doing.)

And now, for some great emails asking for employment:

Dear Sir or Madams, I am bilingual, english being my primarily first language, with Mexican being my second. I am quiet fluent in mexican, and can speak on phones with mexican people. please consider me for the.....

how many mistakes can you find in that?

Dear Staffing Dept, Currently the help I receive while in your stores is horrible and I would never think of shopping with you again. You need to hire more people like me to turn your company around....

They were applying for a delivery driver position. Delivery drivers apparently have more power than we thought.....

Dear HR, attaching is my resume. I am a English major, and would love to work in you're ads department, checking ads for accuraccy and thoroness. Please see my resume, which is inclosed.

wow. an English major? Seriously? I think not. The errors are not mine, they are simply copied and pasted.

I think I would have enough material like that to make a whole blog, but then when would you hear about me? And thank goodness there are all of these people out there, applying for jobs, otherwise they wouldn't need people like me to screen them out and make fun of them on my blog.

On a semi related note, I saw today the official policy which mentions not blogging about work. Oops.

one step forward, two steps back....

Ups and Downs. Wow, what a weird ass weekend. Friday, I finally found a dentist that accepted my lame insurance. Then, the insurance people said I wasn't eligible. I straightened that out, and was about to be seen, when I was informed that the visit would be at least 125 dollars. I had brought 20 for the visit, and 20 for a prescription, and couldn't barter with them, so didnt get seen. Then, Friday night, after killing some pain with bourbon, I got my OFFICIAL JOB OFFER with my deadline accepted and my salary agreed to. Hurray!
Then, Saturday, the tooth pain was so bad I was going insane. Justin got my old dentist on the phone and he called in antibiotics and a few painkillers, hurray.
Them someone came to tell us that my car, out of the shop for 4 1/2 days had been hit, the bumper tore off, by an Aaron's Rental Delivery truck. (I may remove their name tomorrow, if they agree to pay the damages.) But for now, I have witnesses that saw it, and they aren't open, so screw it. Today, we sort of got the bumper temporarily fixed so I can drive it, carefully.

Anyway, lots of ups and downs this weekend. Pain's setting back in, so it's about time for a pain killer and some bourbon, after I test drive the car around to see if the bumper will stay on. But tomorrow is my official start date after "temping" for three months.

I hope everyone's weekends had more ups and downs.

I'm not insane, maybe.

I found out from other kind bloggers that my Saturday post that disappeared wasn't a hallucination, it was a blogger error.

In that post, I explained the meaning of life, the key to happiness, how to find true love, and why platypuses exist.

Now, it's gone forever. Don't blame me, blame blogger.

My tooth, yet to be fixed, because the infection isn't gone, is freaking killing me. But I just found a new dentist that believes in pain management, so, hopefully they can help me tomorrow. Currently my pain management consists of xanax and bourbon, which works well at home. Not so well at work, though.

7 days left for them to meet my deadline at work to make me permanent. It's looking good, but you never know.

As for the answer to life, the universe, and everything, I will stick with Douglas Adams, and share with you the answer.

42.

That is all. Except for my inspired use of a new word that Spinning Girl made me start using all of the time.

Vajayjay.

I figure between 42 and vajayjay, the answer has to be there somewhere.

Where'd it go?

i really wrote, and posted, a new post earlier. and now it's gone.

I'm not drinking. i even had to stop and think, to make sure i didn't dream doing the post. but i did do it.

what the hell is going on?

i am not posting again, until blogger gets their crap together....

Except for this.

You Are Fozzie Bear

"Wocka! Wocka!" You're the life of the party, and you love making people crack up. If only your routine didn't always bomb! You may find more groans than laughs, but always keep the jokes coming.

The Muppet Personality Test

Fozzy was always one of my favorites. The other night I said wocka wocka, and most of the room, (younger than me), all looked at me like I was insane. Then someone said, "hey, that's Fozzy from the muppets! I've seen them on nick at nite!"

I feel so old sometimes.

Blood is red, like roses.

Yes, valentine's day is Tuesday. Tuesday is new DVD day. Saw 2 is being released on Valentine's day. Romantic as hell, isn't it? How many couples will lovingly sit next to each other on the sofa, sharing a bag of microwave popcorn, stare romantically into each other's eyes, and then, one of them will softly whisper, "press play, honey."

Sounds disturbing, and maybe it's because we've been together for 5 years, but this is our plan for Valentine's Day. Watching a bunch of people get tortured, in highly graphic scenes, and exchanging loving glances throughout the movie.

Does this make us totally weird? I bet the video store totally runs out of Saw 2 on Tuesday. But we may never know if it's because of people like us, or a bunch of single people taking out their hatred of valentine's day by watching people get killed.

In my world, we're all watching it together, with the ones we love.

Busy Bobby

I know it's not a good excuse or anything, but I really have been busy lately, still suffering with an upcoming root canal, negotiating my permanent job, and.... get excited here people, Justin got a kick ass job making more money than he's made before! Things are starting to look good. Well, except for the root canal thing, but I am drinking that one away for the weekend. Bourbon is a wonderful painkiller, when you don't have access to real pain killers.

I have some stuff in my head to post soon, and some stuff written on post it notes from work, and I should be returning to my semi-regular routine this week.

The police came and arrested a neighbor this morning. I didn't really know the guy, met him once or twice, he seemed nice. They took the handcuffs off at the end and put him in an ambulance, but not before four police cars came. So we think he was detained for drug or mental issues. And I guess this could technically happen anywhere, but this area of town is going downhill fast. We may be moving this Spring.

Did you know someone from MTV reads my blog? Seriously. If you remember this little post about O-Town, well, someone created a "reality" show about Ashley, the cute blond one. Jamwall made the astute comment he should be playing the "pool boy" on porn, and he would make way more money doing that. His dialog from the show (yes, I sat through a few minutes of one of them, I was drunk okay?) is about as good as a porn. So until I return, I leave you with the following picture, and the question, does Ashley look like a musician, or a porno pool boy? And why does he wear so much mascara?

All good things come to those that....

bitch a lot. Apparently.

Sorry about the delay. Really. And I'll get right to the point. I was finally offered full time REAL employment, (not temporary), but now I am not sure WHEN it's going to happen. I kind of made it conditional that it needs to happen before the end of the month, and they agreed, so basically, it end up being....

GOOD NEWS!

It's about time, huh? I have been reading blogs, just not commenting much. I will be back to normal soon, I may need a root canal, so I've been in some major pain on top of all the work stress, but more on that when I feel better. Thanks for hanging in there with me, and for all of the well-wishes.

insert previous post title here....

Yes. Still waiting. Trust me, I am way more annoyed than you. Not bad news though, just waiting for the hopefully good news.....

hold on, for one more day....

and things will go your way.

the first half of what needed to happen to provide me good work news happened today, just later than expected. now, for part 2, the important part, we all have to wait for tomorrow. it's killing me too.....

just hold on, for one more day.

Eskimos rock.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Bobby!

1. It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same bobby.
2. Bobby can sleep for three and a half years.
3. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal bobby.
4. Bobby has enough fat to produce 32 bars of soap.
5. The Eskimos have over fifty words for bobby.
6. Bobby is actually a vegetable, not a fruit.
7. Bobby cannot be detected by infrared cameras!
8. The queen of diamonds in a playing card deck symbolizes bobby!
9. In 1982 Time Magazine named bobby its 'Man of the Year'!
10. Bobby procrastinates worse than anything!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

I don't think I could produce 32 bars of soap from my fat, maybe 20. I am happy I am a vegetable, not a fruit. The year I was named man of the year was the year Justin was born, coincidence? Yes, there's an age difference people, but he was completely legal when we met. Well, not when we met, but when we, uh, started dating. Whose idea was this anyway? Oh yeah, thanks to Spinning Girl for this one. (All hail SG! When you have blogger's block, nothing works better than reading some Spin!) And yes, I owe everyone a winner for the dog picture contest, and I have loved the Mariah ones.
There's some possible big news coming on the work front tomorrow, I will be back here (really) tomorrow to let you know.

Add the Caption Time! Vol. 2

I want to be semi-original with "add the caption" time, with either my own photos, or in this case, since this is not my picture, with adding some small variation. So, instead of just adding a caption to this picture, let's all pretend for a moment that Mariah Carey can read. If she could read, what would the book title be?
Come on, I know we can get some good ones with this.... for a sample of one of mine, hit the comments.

Saved by the... 'What The Hell'?

Don't forget, it's sentence Saturday over at Duff's. click here and scroll down to the sentence saturday entry.

I am starting to have my doubts about online quizzes. they used to be so accurate, but this one? I just don't know....


Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

I always felt a little more Zack-ish, with maybe a minor Kelly mixed in....

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, work and fighting a cold and sinus infection hasn't left me a lot of time. I am starting to get better though. And another picture for everyone to add captions to is coming soon, I enjoyed that a lot.

Has it been a week almost?

Wow, has it been almost a week since my last post? It's not my fault, but for some reason, I received lots of bourbon for my birthday. Somehow, people have the notion I like the stuff, I have no clue why they think that, but het, I am easy going, I go with the flow, and I wouldn't want to be rude, so I am drinking the hell out of it. Anyhow, I can barely remember this far back, but if you happen to be sober right now, you may remember me saying how we got a digital camera for Christmas. Well, below, you will see a picture of Keepher, our dog (the black one, for those of you who don't remember) checking out our neighbor's dog, also a min pin. I was racking my brain for a funny caption for the picture, but then I told myself, "Self, you're lazy" and thought it would be a good idea for you to come up with funny caption. Most of you are way funnier than me anyway. So here it is, the first "Make up a caption" contest on my blog. The winner will receive something, not sure what yet, self satisfaction maybe, who knows? Check out the picture below and submit a caption in the comments.

The Seventh of January

I got tagged.

In your Ipod: Happy Birthday Darling, by Conway Twitty.
In your Cd Player: 50 Cents, In da Club (It's your birthday.)
In your DVD Player: Mary Kate and Ashley's Birthday PartyHey, Justin's niece came over, and we watched it for her, really.
Last Snack you ate: Cake of some sort.
In your VCR: Capricorn One
Reading right now: It's my F---ing Birthday by Merrill Markoe.
That's it, a short tag without much of interest. Weird, but it got me thinking.
Thinking about people who were born on today's date, like Nicolas Cage. I once got free candy at the mall once because the guy asked me if I was related to Nicolas, I said yea, i'm his brother, and got free candy. Other people like Screech, from Saved by the Bell, Katie Couric, Keny Loggins, and almost as impressive as getting free candy, Erin Gray, from Buck Rogers!! She was born today, as well.

So, with lots of famous and interesting people, people who we love, born today, I thought that some pretty interesting things must have happened on today's date throughout history. And I made none of these up.

Bill Clinton's impeachment trial started on today's date in 1999.
Truman announces the US has developed a hydrogen bomb.
The Harlem Globetrotters played their first game in 1927, on today's date.
Motion Picture film was patended.
Pius V becomes Pope in 1566, and looks amazingly like the current Pope.
A cute little baby boy was born, who numerous years later would have a blog called Verbal Vomit.

So that's January 7. Let the bourbon drinking commence..... (who am I kidding? Let the bourbon drinking continue....)

Forgot something.....

This is the look I get when the whiskey is gone, too. Poor dog. I forgot to mention, Justin and I got a pretty decent digital camera for Christmas, so now, many more ORIGINAL pics. Not just ones I borrow. The dog isn't mine, it's one of our good friends. And yes, she was upset the whiskey was gone.

For one of our dog looking like Sherlock Holmes, or just totally gay, look below. He loves his jacket/cape, and gets an attitude when it is on. Anyway, Happy New Year all.

"Ending the Pressure" Post

So, um, yeah, I haven't posted in a week, and yes, I usually feel guilty, but it feels as though all of blogger land has been a little slow, with people being busy and such. Also, I haven't wanted to post, as I was trying to come up with something insanely profound to end the year with. So the past week I have pressured myself, jotted down notes, researched, all for you lovely people, to provide you with such a witty, wonderful post, that you would leave my blog crying, laughing, and calling/emailing all of your family and friends the link to my blog.

That brings us to today. Less than 6 hours, and I have nothing. BUt I did realize something. Blogger lets you edit stuff. So if I come up with something profound later, I could always post it like it was here on New Year's Eve. Some of you would know, others wouldn't. Also, maybe I should keep posting little bits and pieces of good posts, so that you keep coming back, right?

In any case, nothing horribly funny today, nothing profound, other than have a safe night, and make the next year better than the last. Even if it's just by a little bit.